Hey guys! Jeff wrote a new blog post. Here tis: https://awesomepod.squarespace.com/the-blog/2016/7/16/going-off-meds
Got a few weeks of support groups under my belt, and I'm feeling more connected and loved than ever before. It's pretty great.
So why do I still hurt whenever something reminds me of you?
cruisin down the street with the radio on
and maybe this will be my new favorite song
breakin old habits and makin new ones
i been breakin thru the sorrow
and havin fun
i can laugh just hard as i used to do
so why am i still thinkin
runnin down the alley with no plans to stop
i been chasin good feelins but my head stil drops
had to cut you from my life
cuz all you did was take
when I think about you baby
all i do is shake
its not enough
its still so rough
i aint that tough
i bet youre over it
but i guess im not
wanna get beyond it
wanna make it
but it aint no use
nothin i can do
i still aint over
So that's what I'm working with. Stay tuned to Everything is Awesome for our next episode. Bonus Episode: Ghosts and Speakers. Thanks for readin this stuff, gang. Can't do this without you. Tweet at us: @EIAPodcast
I'm Email: firstname.lastname@example.org
I wrote an entire blog and accidentally deleted the whole thing by hitting the back button on the browser.
It was all the things I'm grateful for.
One of those is not mobile websites that can't auto save documents in such a situation.
I am grateful for the ability to maintain serenity though.
And all of you. Much love, Jefé.
Okay. I didn't do a post yesterday cuz I was on a date. Some cool stuff happened: Rusty came with, I smoked some doobage on the beach, had a donut and a frappychinomocha, ate some tackos in a corn tor tilla, and listened to great music with a cool lady.
Then it was over. But it was still early. So I went to a friend's place nearby (holla, Justin and Marika) and got legit blazed. Once good times were properly celebrated, I returned to the Southland. And promptly went to sleep in my car with Rusty in a Fife parking lot.
Breakfast at Denny's, followed by lunch at the Pup. The whole day gettin my soshe media on, and discovering something most excellent:
What the hell is tsu.co? It's only the sweetest new social media site and it is faster, cleaner, simpler, and cooler than facebook, instagram, and tumbler combined. So I joined the club of intelligent folk spreading the word. And the biggest reason I have for tellin y'all about it? Facebook has chosen to ban all mention or linkage to tsū so you can't enjoy their services in a convenient manner.
So here's what I say: everything we would have shared on Facebook, we share on tsū instead. And we blow this boycott right up in Jesse Eisenberg's face, or whatever that guy's name is. Boom. If you also have snapchat, join me in sharing this shit as quickly as possible. Make it Snappen.
Getting trashed in sunny Auburn, Washington. Still in my postal uniform. Living across the Narrows Bridge is a pain in the ass cause I don't wanna go home to avoid two tolls in one day. Thankfully my folks have been taking my dog out every night so I can stay on this side without too much guilt.
I'm excited to see my buddy Shelby's comedy show, but I must admit today's been a bit of a struggle. Not due to my mental state finally; that's actually been pretty good. Pain level is around a 2. No, this has largely centered around my grief over losing The Love of My Life.
I don't know how many of you have lost your soulmate but it's not great. I once thought my ex-wife was destined for me, but I realized pretty quickly that she was a terrible person. I just didn't have the strength to abort the mission. But this time I'd found someone worth fighting for. And believe me, I tried.
So I'm sitting in my mailtruck listening to the Mental Illness Happy Hour (a fantastic podcast) and lamenting my piss-poor behavior when it came to treating her with kid gloves. I'd never really understood how to deal with an extreme introvert and always bristled at being closed out from physical affection. So in the absence of my love, I was feelin the feels.
Luckily, the sunshine and a great new podcast, Pretty Misandry with Maggie Strong, brought me out of my funk and enabled me to reengage with the human world. Maggie Strong, the erstwhile host of Pretty Misandry, commiserated with me regarding the difficulty of maintaining relationships when mental illness is a factor, and it was awesome. There's nothing like relating with someone who understands your issues, especially in matters of the heart.
I don't know what comes next. Comedy is on the agenda for the evening, which is always great. But love and happiness are elusive targets. I have a few new female friendships, which are always welcome, and I'm involved in a couple codependency support groups, so I expect some quality healing, but my heart still aches for the one woman who moves my soul.
I don't know how to end this post, so I'll just say this: if you're struggling with loneliness, depression, or any other mental confusion, know that you're not alone. We're all in this together. Love rules the world. Embrace it, and each other.
It's weird. I actually had a good day today. Woke up feeling actually okay, got to the kitchen where Pops had made me a cup of coffee, let the dog out, and got ready to go to work. The sunrise was magnificent, skies more or less clear all day, not too cold.
I know I'm feeling better because for the first time in at least two weeks I didn't have to nap on my first break. I finished up Dune Messiah (there's a weird book) and cleared up some mail I'd been putting off. I even got my ballot filled out and sent in. Maybe voting day is what pulled me out of my funk, lol. I do love democracy.
After work I got my oil changed (only 4000 miles too late) and discovered that I'd let the oil run below the point the dipstick could even measure. Depression is such a cunt (sorry, Mom). Seriously, how many things have to pile up before the fog lifts? I can't even imagine what people with constant depression go through. Being bipolar 2 I at least get to dip in and out. Thankfully my medication keeps me from getting too high or too low. But even two months of low-grade depression has made a deep impact on my ability to get things done or to enjoy the things I normally take pleasure in.
God damn I have a lot of problems. It would take too long to list them out, but suffice to say I'm amazed I'm able to hold down a job, produce a podcast every week (or month, whatevz), take my dog out, and pay my bills "on time". I can't even imagine how difficult it must be to date me. Or be married to me.
Which brings me to the subject that's most pressing on my mind: my relationship, or lack of it, with the Love of My Life.
I miss her daily. I know she wasn't perfect, but she was mine. She was always there when I needed someone to talk to. She nearly always laughed at my jokes. She went with me to most social events. She invited me to family gatherings. She rarely inquired about my feelings, wasn't very good at being comforting or affectionate, but I know without a doubt that she loved me. And now she's gone.
She's not dead, at least not last I checked. She's out there somewhere, still using the phone I bought for her, still on my plan, still going to work and probably still complaining to anyone who will listen about her problems and how she can't do anything about them, and yet, I miss her.
Why is it so hard to let someone go who isn't good for you? Near the end of our time together she wasn't spending the night, she was cagey and weird, she was hiding her feelings from me and generally behaving like someone would if they were seeing someone else. Over the last few months her responses to my emails have gotten less and less sincere. I'm pretty sure she's moved on and it kills me. We were supposed to be on a trial separation while we both worked on our mental health, but I don't think she's really doing much at all. She started massage school but now it seems like she might quit that as well.
So why do I want her back? Why would I willingly invite that drama back into my life? Am I just hopelessly addicted to being taken for granted? Do I have any self-respect whatsoever?
That's what love addiction is all about. It's the reason why I let my wife mistreat me for so many years. It's why I would lie to my family when she didn't want to see them. It's why I would be intimate with her even if I didn't want to. It's why I stayed with her, fighting and clawing until the bitter end even though she was clearly cheating on me.
Addiction is a killer. It doesn't matter what the addiction is. Anything that takes you away from your values and your safety threatens your life and the lives of the people around you. Seeking recovery is the best thing you can do, both for your mental health, but for those you love as well. Putting aside problem behaviors and truly facing up to the issues that lead you to avoid your troubles in the first place is the only way to ever life a healthy and productive life.
Writing these things down has helped. Sharing my struggles with you is helping me face my fears and stay focused on my plan of healing. I can't do it alone. None of us can.
I still miss her every day. I may for a good long time. And maybe, if my recovery goes well, and she receives effective treatment for her conditions, perhaps then we can start over. But for now I have to grieve, to make sense of this loss, and move forward along the winding path of recovery.
If you are struggling with the pain of heartbreak or loss, if you're facing serious mental challenges, if you have an addiction and you've been afraid to face it, please talk to someone you trust. Talk to a close friend or professional counselor. Or hell, talk to me. Send a fully confidential email to us here at email@example.com and let's talk about you and your issues. Everybody can use a good listener sometimes. Hang in there, and know that you are not alone.
Well, Halloween turned out to be not so bad. We found someone to take my foundling kitty Otis, none of my friends got stabbed by drugged out zombies, and my parents left the house for awhile so i got to watch xfiles and eat candy on the couch.
Who am i kidding? It was pretty awful. I worked in the pouring ass rain, had to see nothing but adorable pictures of happy families in fun costumes, was terribly depressed, and got to ruminating about my ex wife and how she loved Halloween and always dressed us up in cool homemade costumes. And I also remembered the time I ran into a woman I'd dated briefly before I got back together with the ex wife, who let me know as she was leaving that she had an 11 year old son.
Why was that interaction upsetting, you ask? Because later that night I did the math and realized that it lined up with time she and I had gotten together.
Here's the thing. It's damn near impossible that it could have been my kid. I don't even remember any actual sex happening. Although my bipolar disorder and PTSD have occasionally triggered blackouts so it's conceivable in some weird universe. And this woman, one Amber Johnson of University Place (I'm putting her actual name here in case anyone knows her and could put me in contact) was the type to keep something like that a secret. I also know that she went looking for me at a coffee shop I used to frequent after I stopped going there.
So whats the takeaway? Number one, the Seahawks won a squeaker on Sunday, which is awesome. Number two, if i were to have a child it would completely take away the biological drive to propagate my genetic material, which would make my relationship struggles much less confusing. And number three, it would mean that somewhere out there is a thirteen year old half-version of me trying his best to overcome the challenge of growing up without a dad.
If I could talk to this invisible little guy, I'd tell him that I will do anything to make his life better; that I can't change the past but I can impact his future; and regardless of his mothers decision to keep his existence a secret, he matters to me and will have my complete support until the day I die.
No one should have to grow up without a father. My dad is one of the bravest, kindest, and most ethical people I've ever known. He loves his kids, takes great care of his wife, gives back to his community, and works hard to leave the world better than he found it. If I had one wish, it would be for world peace. If I had two wishes, the second would be that everyone have a good dad who teaches them the values of hard work, kindness, and commitment to improving society.
If you have a dad who loves you and treats you right, give him a hug and let him know he's important. If you don't, find a dude who you respect and thank him for impacting your life in a positive way. And if you don't have someone like that, share your story with people you love. Find some way to fill that dad-shaped hole in your heart in a way that doesn't involve addiction and self destructive behaviors. You owe it to yourself and to society to make the most of your life and not slip into despair. This world can be a nightmare sometimes, but it can also be a lot of fun.
Halloween is over finally, and I can breathe again.Ii got plenty of sleep, and someones supposed to come by today to pick up my old love seat and armchair (a wedding gift from my parents). I have some great friends and I'm alive, which I think is better than the alternative. And god willing I'll have my dad around for a good long time.
Take care of yourselves and love the good people in your lives, cause in the end that's what really matters. From everyone here at Everything is Awesome, we hope you had a great Halloween. Until next time, friends, we wish you good times. and many many more happy family moments.
It's been a weird week. A beloved local comic took her life. I had my first date in ages. I missed a few days of blog posts and felt bad about it. I put off uploading the first episode of Season Two and no one asked me what's up.
The biggest thing in my little world is probably that I'm trying my best to get over my ex. Shit was complicated. She was probably too self-involved to ever make me comfortable, but she's the best woman I've ever known. (sorry Mom)
Went to my first and second love addiction meetings and in the interim I had zero recovery. Planning dates, perusing the hot girls of Instagram and trying to angle at least one lady friend into something more exciting.
Last night I had my first date in God knows how long. It was great. Before that I had my first random parking lot makeout session in I don't know if ever. So on balance its been equal parts shameful, exhilarating and incredibly sad.
Speaking of sad things, how about suicide? Cuz that happened. A Seattle comic made the ultimate decision Sunday, ending her pain. That decision also broke the hearts of dozens of comics and everyone else whose lives she touched in her short time on Earth.
I didn't know her. Let me make that clear. The reason I've been around and talking is not because I want to pretend I'm a part of this story. I never got to see her. But you know what? I recognized in her comedy, her story and her impact on her colleagues and it blew me away.
In another community perhaps someone dying in this way wouldn't have had the same results. But the amount of love pouring out from the hearts of these hardened criminals has been amazing. So much love, you guys don't even know.
Comics make sense of life by skewering our preconceived notions and fucking with our sense of morality. They speak from the deepest places of pain and foolishness, and they make our lives better for it. Meredith was a star in the making, but more than that she was a human being, one of the best. And her friends have shown how amazing they are in this terrible time.
You may not have been hit directly by the pain of a sudden death. You may know nothing about suicide or why people make that decision, but you know loss. You know sadness. And you know grief. It sucks. No one should go through it. If this world was as great as we wish it was, no one would suffer, or go hungry. No wars would be fought, no minorities excluded. And women like Meredith would be our greatest seers. Love is the only answer to pain. So love yourselves. Love each other. And when someone you love is suddenly gone from this earth, let yourself grieve.
Comics show us that life has meaning. They tease out the situations that plague us, and bring something amazing out of it. Laughter heals. Laughter sustains. And laughter brings us all out of the darkness when we need it.
Someone wonderful has left this plane of existence, but I believe she is not gone. She lives on in the hearts of everyone who knew her. Suicide is a shitty thing, but it's a choice some of us make. Mental illness, existential sadness, PTSD and grief can take anyone at any time. Love the people around you. Don't be a dick. And when someone tells you they're hurting, be quick with the hugs. Let them cry on your shoulder.
That's what they're for.