I can't tell you how great it is to be out of the trough of depression. If you've never dealt with it, you probably can't understand how bad it really is.
The thing is, I'm not lazy. All that stuff my brother and ex-wife used to say to me was bullshit. I needed help, not criticism. And why did I even take the words of my abusers seriously anyway?
That's the thing about trauma. Each new injury piles up on top of the ones that came before. Eventually your soul becomes like one of those hoarder houses, with abuses and scars piled up so high you can barely get around. If it's bad enough and goes on long enough, some of us develop debilitating personality disorders that are nearly impossible to treat, if we even try.
I've been trying to face my trauma and my bipolar disorder for two years now, and it's finally paying off. I'm not perfect; I still make decisions on which tasks to blow off, but I'm doing better.
It also doesn't hurt that I've made some really wonderful friends in the last year, who don't judge me or think less of me for the struggles I'm facing.
In addition, I've made friends with at least one woman that thinks I'm pretty cool. I've never been very good at accepting compliments, but after receiving a few I'm realizing why I needed them so badly from my last girlfriend. When they're missing from our lives, we feel the lack. That's exactly why I try to throw them around to my loved ones, even when I'm in the depths of my depression. Sometimes just honoring someone for being kind, or thoughtful, or for accomplishing something great, can build up positive energy that they might send your way when you need it most.
At our most primal level, we humans are selfish creatures. We take what we can get because biologically we never know when it will be gone. But what's so interesting is that when we give of ourselves with no expectation of reciprocity or gratitude, something shifts inside of us and gives us a good feeling. Which tends to make even our darkest days just a little bit brighter.
That's partly why I'm doing this. Because I want you to know someone loves you. Someone experiences the world with some of the same pain. You are not alone, and neither am I. And in that realization, we find we can keep on going one more day, one more hour, one more minute, and we stay alive.
So stay alive. Give love. Be a part of the love that surrounds you. There is hope. Go share it with someone, and see what happens. It could change your life, and theirs.