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Everything is Awesome with Jeff and ?

Everything is Awesome is a leftist love letter to all things awesome. Brought to you by Jeff Richardson and a special guest (or cohost) to talk arts, issues, writing, and pop culture from a leftist perspective.
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Nov 4, 2015

Have you ever unintentionally said the worst possible thing you could say to someone? I did that this week. It happened on Facebook (as these things do). I decided to comment on a lady's Facebook post with what I thought was a fairly witty riposte, but which turned out be hurtful, embarrassing and rude. Whoops!

This sort of thing happened all the time when I was married. I don't want to say she was oversensitive, but if you brushed by her in the hallway she'd very likely wake you up in the middle of the night raging like some sort of Japanese folk-demon.

Anyhoo, through that experience I learned how to temper my thoughts and direct myself toward the positive, even if a joke that came to me was too funny to stifle. God help you if you got caught stifling, though, because then she'd demand to know what you were thinking. Which, for a guy with ADD is a very hard question to answer. "Twelve different things, at least" is not an acceptable answer to give a woman looking for a fight. Anyways, after that marriage exploded I more or less learned to curb my most offensive thoughts before they came out of my mouth. 

I know now how to be positive, and truly feel it. To file away potentially hurtful phrases quickly and without hesitation. Unless I'm in a horrible verbal confrontation, in which case I'm probably totally screwed. But in an ordinary back and forth between me and a lady, I more or less behave myself.

Which brings me to this week's controversy. An attractive lady comic messaged me the night of Halloween, for what purpose I can't quite figure. I try to keep it light, but as you may know from reading my previous posts, this is new for me. The old Jeff might have thrown a bunch of innuendo her way, trying craftily to work out some future sexy time scenario.

I didn't do that. I was cool on the text and bid adieu. The next day, however, Facebook opened the door to madness.

Said comic posted a cute picture of herself and two friends. Jeff, being the charming gentleman he is, said something nice about the picture and went along with his day. Later, checking in on his notifications, Jeff discovered someone had complimented this comic on her looks. She responded, saying something about not wearing makeup.

This is where Jeff made the critical error. Instead of walking gingerly away and letting these friends lightly banter, Jeff decided to make a joke. (insert scary organ sounds)

The joke essentially suggested that the comic was fishing for compliments. Something along the lines of "we all know you're pretty. Calm down."

You ever see that black and white video of the nuclear blast at Alamagordo blasting through buildings? That was the impact of this joke upon this situation. Here was a nice little thread involving friends and cute Halloween costumes, and suddenly the entire world was on fire.

I knew immediately what I had done. I'd suggested in a public forum that this woman was fishing for compliments. An accusation of that magnitude could not be ignored. I tried quickly to smooth things over but it was too late. I was in the shit.

I talked to a mutual friend later that day and learned that what I'd said was essentially a backhanded compliment. I hate those and so I genuinely felt sorry. What had begun as a simple joke lampooning a beautiful woman's insecurity had morphed into something much much darker.

I'm filing this fracas under the file heading "Nuclear Option", words or suggestions that will drive a woman into a semi-violent rage. The phrase "calm down" definitely belongs in that category. Any answer to the question "does this make me look fat?" that doesn't involve the words "no", "of course not" or "have you seen the remote?" And for the love of god, any suggestion that a woman is insecure or vain is definitely bad for your health.

I saw this attractive lady comic earlier tonight, ducked my head like a turtle, and slipped out the back door of the bar. I had planned to go up to her and apologize in person, but part of me was terrified to deal with it at all.

Honestly, I think being rejected and mistreated by so many women in the last few years has made it hard to face up to their anger and disappointment with me. I've had some seriously messed up things thrown my way and I think I'm a little shellshocked. Also, I want to be involved in this here comedy scene and the last thing I want is to look like a jackass in front of everyone.

Sometimes I just want to be able to speak up and point out when people are being ridiculous. But most people, it seems, don't want you to do that. Especially people who are used to adulation instead of lampooning. As a chronic receiver of lampoonage, sometimes I forget that other people aren't used to it. And therein lies the lesson: don't fuck with people who you don't know well. Because their response may surprise you.

To the attractive lady comic, I hope you can forgive my thoughtless words. And to all of you who may be tempted to sling your silly barbs whilly-nilly, take heed lest ye unleash the dogs of war. Maintaining a peaceful society demands politeness, or at the very least, caution.

You have been warned.